I was standing over the mat of Billy, my shotgun pointed at his head. "It's QUIET TIME!" I bellowed. But not even the threat of immediate death can shut up a five-year-old.
“Fart," he piped again in that teeth-grinding squeaky voice of his. Titters and giggles behind me. I swung around.
"You want some of this?” I said. “DO YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?" I bore down wildly on Kata, the little redhead girl with the bizarrely 80's theme neon green glasses. — her mom must have a great sense of humor — and snarled, "Not another sound. It's quiet time."
With a steely gaze, I looked José straight in the eye. "You know, I could have you deported." He obviously had no idea what I was talking about, but knew that when I talk through clenched teeth, I mean business.
All teachers were immediately dismissed in The Purge, and all schools renamed in honor of our president. Trump Middle School. Trump High School. As a white woman from the suburbs, I was Trump Elementary School’s first hire. Betsy, Karen, and Leslie were hired next. Karen has red hair so she might be Irish. Leslie looks Jewish, but I know she is not. This is what true diversity is — real people, not the sneering, condescending types we had from “higher education.”
Trump Teachers are hired for their real life skills. The American future is at stake and only real life skills are taught. Unmarketable skills like music and art are no longer required. Education is free now of all liberal puffery. I’m not sure why poetry was ever considered a class, or even cursive writing, for that matter. What old-fashioned concepts! Everything is screen-accessible now anyway. We just talk into our app and our words are interpreted for our safety and that of the country. For instance, if I say, “God damn America” my app changes it to “God bless America.” Remember that thing called Facebook where people argued all the time? This administration solved that. There will be no more college-educated elitism.
I teach the kids in my class how to hide and make Play-Doh pottery. Play-Doh is not something they can use in real life, but as long as I teach the three S's, I am allowed a little leeway. The basics of the Trump School curriculum are Surveillance, Shooting, and Survivability, the three S's. Survey your surroundings. Assess the shooter. Locate your survival space. When a mass casualty suicide is in progress, survey the scene, shoot, and find your survival space.
I'm not reading my kids poetry, for Trump's sake! I also know some stuff about Europe, having been to France once. Betsy carries a Glock and brings her pet raccoon into her room. That nailed her landing the science classroom.
It is much easier to be a teacher now, and we are so happy to be Trump Teachers. Since the abolition of the minimum wage, $6.25 an hour isn't so bad. We all know this makes us more competitive, and that corporations will certainly pay us more if they can afford it. No one is owed a living. Unions, with their corrupting influence, have been abolished. Pensions went to the public fund to build National Defense.
We have a great record, with only one child having been shot and killed by a teacher this year. His name was... oh, yes. Rashawn. I'm not going to say it out loud, but phew! We saved future society quite a hot little mess there. We have this great track record because of our Progressive roots. In each classroom there is a designated wall to discharge our guns. Too many kids were being shot by frustrated teachers. Honestly though, really? The wall is reinforced and made of a material that can absorb the bullets. If the kids get too loud, I shoot into that thing and boy, does that shut them up. We're a school. We try not to shoot the kids if we don't have to.
We still call the country America, but our President always gives us a LIKE on Twitter when we call it Trumptopia. LOL.
Real freedom is only and will always be personal responsibility. I am responsible for and proud of my own freedom. Everything — water, healthcare, WiFi — is free for me to buy. A responsible citizen works and takes care of her own needs. There is no greater freedom! It is my right to defend myself against any threat, and my responsibility to fit within the framework that makes our great country function so smoothly.
Did I mention that Ivanka just won in a landslide against Mark Zuckerberg? After her father's eight years, it only made sense. In 2024, Year of the Woman, we have our first woman president! We wore cute pink hats with cute bunny ears. #IvankaTsunami. That hashtag still makes me laugh.
And if you’re wondering, we did indeed get The Wall built! Anyone can volunteer to go patrol it now. as I did two summers ago. It was so hot and dusty! The weird thing is no one tries to come here now. Bunch of losers. We are allowed to shoot the traitors who try to go south over The Wall because they're traitors. Duh. I saw one and shot at him. Didn't get him. I accidentally shot some 19-year-old kid in the knee on his first time out patrolling. My bad. Price of freedom and all that.